How To Love A Sexy Woman:
(By Seven Sexy Women)
Best Life Forum Moderated By Heather Buchanan
There’s a fantasy, etched as clearly into the male imagination as that picture of dogs playing poker. It concerns an unknown bar, or better still, a secret suite in a Manhattan hotel, where smart and beautiful women gather to drink Chardonnay and discuss the manipulation of the male libido in terms that would make David Mamet blush. The hour grows late. The wine flows some more. There is a ritual incantation loosely based on the Spice Girls’ early writings. The Twister board comes out. The lights dim, and . . .
Few men besides eunuchs, hairstylists, and David Doyle (when he played Bosley on the original Charlie’s Angels) have ever breached this door that separates the sexes. Until now, that is. For what follows is the real story – not the rules, not the clichés, but the truth as best we know it about what women really want.
The Panel
Like participants in a totally hot witness protection program, these spirited and candid ladies were happy to have their pictures taken but requested that their last names be withheld.
Cheryl. Single Mom. A tall, blue-eyed beauty from the Midwest who, when she’s not at work as a political coordinator, likes to hula-hoop and ride horses bareback. She has a giving personality and is the friend you would call in a crisis.
Deborah. Single. A spa owner who would like to have a husband and a family someday. She dates often but still hasn’t met the right guy.
Heather. Divorced. Formerly married to an L.A. screenwriter, this sex columnist started writing as a way to work through issues that arose during her breakup. She uses humor as a way to cope with pain.
Ilana. Married and pregnant. As an actress, she intuitively understands how role-playing and improvisation can keep a relationship fresh. Her husband is an actor as well.
Nancy A. Lives with her boyfriend. A soulful rock ’n roll singer who’s in it for the joy rather than the cash. Her favorite pair of cowboy boots is 20 years old, and she’s a champion at shucking oysters.
Nancy M. Single. This sexy architect possesses the steel necessary to deal with New York real estate developers, but it’s tempered with old-fashioned femininity.
Shannon. Single. Still in her 20’s, this broadcast producer is sassy and open to new experiences. Marriage isn’t first and foremost in her mind.
“Why don’t we start with this: what qualities make a man attractive?”
Ilana: Hot sex isn’t enough anymore. It can’t be all passion and no stability. We can tend to stay in a relationship longer than we should because we’re tied into his looks – like this one Brad Pitt look-alike boyfriend I had, but it doesn’t last.
Heather: I used to be attracted to the AA guy – Asshole Appeal. Now, even though he’s still around and kind of cute, it doesn’t work. Compassion is key. Be nice to me, be nice to my incontinent bichon frise and I am yours. I fell in love with a man I dated because he was so kind to my father who suffered from Parkinson’s disease. The time and effort men put in with my friends, family, and pets pay off in spades.
Cheryl: It sounds like a cliché, but I truly want a man who is a good communicator. Between a vibrator and a sperm donor, I can do the rest myself.
Nancy M.: I look for a guy who has a passion and a drive: a drive to have fun, a drive to be responsible, a drive to make a legacy of himself. Someone who gets the big picture and wants to leave this world a better place when he’s done with it. It’s almost Darwinian – finding a good provider and father.
Deborah: I think a guy who talks about what it means to be a dad, either with the kids he has or would like to have, is a total turn on. A man has to be clear about his agenda. If he doesn’t want kids he should say so. It’s not fair to waste a woman’s fertile years.
Dating is certainly more complicated when you’re not in your 20’s anymore. What do you think about being involved with a man who’s older – say over forty?
Nancy A.: Forty is the new thirty.
Nancy M.: It’s better if they’ve sewed their wild oats.
Heather: As they get older they’re more concerned with my orgasm instead of just their own.
Cheryl: A guy over forty who’s never had a serious relationship is a red flag. If he was married before or engaged or at least been in a long-term relationship it shows his ability to commit. If not, I’d really have to wonder about the guy.
Should all of his exes live in Texas?
Ilana: A guy who trashes his ex is totally unattractive. When the relationship is new, keep the chatter down about the ex. Until I know where I am in his life, I don’t want to know where she is.
Heather: I know a guy whose ex wife came up as “F---ing Bitch” on his cell phone caller ID. That’s a signal that I could be “F---ing Bitch 2.”
Nancy M.: Leave your baggage out of the new relationship. Don’t hold the present lover accountable for the sins of the past lover.
So what’s a turn off in a guy?
Ilana: Trying a new move, then telling you, “Well everyone else really liked it.”
Nancy A.: Yelling at waiters or waitresses. Every girl has either been a waitress or been friends with one at some point in her life. If the waitress has dropped hot soup in his lap, he can knock himself out, but if she’s forgotten to bring the water and he’s turning red, I’m gone.
Nancy M.: Judgmental men and negativity are turnoffs. My last boyfriend had a negative comment to say about everybody, from friends to people in the news. To him, everyone was an idiot. It really brought me down.
Cheryl: Nose hair. It’s superficial but important. Invest in a trimmer.
What’s a turn-on in a guy?
Nancy A.: Confidence.
Deborah: Taking his time.
Cheryl: I’d say 360-thread-count sheets. He’s not in college anymore. Make the bed a place I can’t wait to lie down and get naked in. It also doesn’t hurt to talk dirty.
Heather: I can literally be talked into an orgasm.
Shannon: Yeah, but not if he’s describing you like an eighth grade textbook.
Nancy M.: A turn-on is someone who kisses well, and who oozes an appetite for sex. Someone who knows the difference between screwing and making love… and does both.
Nancy A.: It really depends on my desire for him. I know two guys that kissed the same way – one revolted me and the other made my knickers wet. If I really fancy him, he will most likely be an excellent lay.
Ilana: Men who compliment your body during sex are wonderful. I love it when my guy says, “You look so sexy pregnant.” Don’t change your view of a woman sexually when she becomes a mother.
What makes a man great in bed?
Shannon: Any man can be good in bed, but being great in bed is hard to achieve. Any man who gives more than he takes, especially in the beginning, is A-OK with me. Foreplay is exactly what it sounds like – you have to warm up before you can play a good game.
Nancy A.: Tell me what feels good. I’m not a mind reader. Feedback is good. When I’m doing something that feels terrific, tell me. I’ll put it on speed dial.
Heather: I love it when he’s just shaved before he rubs his cheek on my inner thigh. It’s like smooth against smooth.
Shannon: I want a guy who can find the turtle in the giggle patch.
Cheryl: Where the hell did that come from?
Shannon: My mother.
Nancy M.: What on earth is a turtle in a giggle patch?
Shannon: It’s the clitoris you ninny.
Heather: But seriously, with something like finding the G spot, I don’t even know where that is. How’s he supposed to find it?
Ilana: There’s a lot of literature out there from the Kama Sutra to the Kim Cattrall’s orgasm book. He can read, right?
When you’re in a long-term relationship and things are getting routine, how do you keep the spark alive?
Heather: The problem is that familiarity breeds routine. Get out of your comfort zone and your routine and your bedroom. There is no such thing as bad sex in a hotel. I went out with a guy for 2 years before we had sex in his pickup truck. It might have saved the relationship if we’d tried it sooner.
Shannon: Yeah, oral sex in the coatroom of your favorite restaurant or the bathroom at your relatives’ house on Thanksgiving. Come on, it’s only 15 minutes, and if it’s great you can shave it down to 5.
Cheryl: Variety, variety, variety. Of course it doesn’t work with the jealous types because they will just wonder where you learned the new trick. Variety can come in the form of clothing (role-playing every once in a while), a new hair color or style, or just doing something you know he likes that doesn’t happen very often. But it must come from him too.
Shannon: Porno tapes. Pornography works wonders. I’ll be in the shop, and I’ll call to tell him, “I’m buying Seymour Butts latest video.” He’ll remind me they tape all his calls at work and maybe we should talk about it later.
Ilana: Tell us your fantasies. If we love you, we’ll do anything . . . then ask us what we want.
Heather: Right on. If he does what she wants, he gets the power back. It’s like that pay it forward thing. Worship your woman, and she’ll worship you back.
Cheryl: Worship, wow! That’s a beautiful word, “worship.”
All: Amen!
